Shitgate

Woke up early due to stabbing stomach pain. Colon be like oh you’re freezing? too bad shit time is now. Well so much came out I literally don’t know where it came from. There must be a shitgate in me. Like that show Stargate except with shit. Shit being transported from other dimensions into the toilet.

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Toilet demolition marathon

Beginning of week I was kind of constipated and bloated. started eating fiber one bars and spicy food every day. Like Wendy’s ghost pepper chicken and Indian buffet and chili. Starting Wednesday it was like I dump more every day. Wake up, destroy toilet, get home, destroy toilet, eat dinner, destroy toilet. Yesterday it was so huge it just barely went down on second flush. what’s weird about today is I’ve barely eaten but I’m posting during round 3. First two were giant snake dumps and now having explosive volcano dumps. And I’m sure more to come after I eat lunch. Taco bell of course.

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St Patrick’s

Had corned beef and cabbage wrap yesterday and went into a food coma. Woken up by nuclear skunk chainsaw rips that got wetter and wetter until finally it was like ok do you want to shit? too bad it happening anyway. Ran to bathroom for toxic waste dump. Must have lost 10 pounds and I’m starving. And a bunch of birds outside are flipping out. They probably smell it.

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Skunk bombs at supermarket

Got massive steak burrito at supermarket food court and demolished it in record time. Felt fine but a few minutes later the ripping began. Small and innocent at first but eventually I was walking down entire aisles blowing ass the whole way. If I stood still and ripped one I had to leave and come back or I might have fainted from smell. It’s like if skunk had babies then died and then babies got angry and sprayed all over. When I got home it continued until oops almost sharted. Ran to bathroom and barely made it. Nuclear skunk dump explosion.

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Cannot stop dumping today

Woke up because bottom dripped out and it was like shit into bed or toilet. Barely made it in time and it was like giant pile of shit that barely flushed. Then again around noon and two more during the afternoon. The smell is an unholy abomination of satan. It’s like if an army of skunks went to a landfill and all emptied their bowels and then died. Every time I have to close the doors and turn the shower fan on.

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The toilet is my new home

Yesterday destroyed toilet four times. Each time giant shit baby sticking their head up above the water line. I figured I was cleaned out and felt like I lost ten pounds. Nope it’s the same deal today – 11am on round 2 already. Don’t know how all this shit fit inside me but I’m sure there’s more. Gotta install a fridge, stove and tv in the bathroom because I live here now

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McDonalds and entire pizza yesterday

Today woken up by atomic rips. Started high pitched but then got lower and wetter, finally almost sharted all over so barely made it to bathroom in time for mount Vesuvius.

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Crazy few shit days

So Thursday I woke up late and skipped the usual morning dump. That cause the shit to retreat inside me. I started eating foods that usually give me the shits. Fiber one, Indian buffet, burgers. No impact. I could barely force out little nuggets. Today I woke up and sat down and it was like giving birth to a solid 5 pound shit fetus. All visible areas of the water was occupied by shit. So I feel like I was cleaned out but then everything else slid down. 20 seconds of farting followed by almost shitting my pants. Ran to bathroom and had ten second volcanic eruption.

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World’s worst smelling fart

If there’s a Guinness world record, I just broke it. Twice in a row

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Can’t get off toilet

So yesterday dropped huge 5 pound snake and was cleaned out for the day. Or so I thought. About 11pm bottom dropped out again but I was going to bed so I held it. This morning another 5 pound snake. I guess there was more and it kinda fell down due to the empty space because half hour later felt like someone was stabbing my stomach. ran to bathroom and that was ten minutes ago I just keep dumping more. Call it the new city dump. Soon I expect seagulls will start flying in circles around my house.

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